005 - ebbs
i had a slow day today. or rather, a calm day. getting a chance to rest, to sit back and not have to think or talk for a while, a bit of a departure from how i've been spending my time recently. it's necessary, it's good for me to slow down sometimes and rest and take score of myself.
it feels terrible. i am spending time relaxing with some of the people in my life most dear to me, and i know that i am happy and having a good time, but i just can't quite shake the feeling of rot from my bones. it drives me crazy, a little. i wish that i could be enjoying this moment. i wish that i could just enjoy this moment straightforwardly.
the feeling suffuses through the rest of my life, too. i spend my week working, and then go home and loathe the time spent more alone, because i know how it's going to make me feel. every genuinely happy moment has an undertone lurking in the back of my mind - how am i going to feel after this?
this can't be sustainable. everyone needs to rest sometimes. there's only so much toothache you can endure before you have to rip your gums out.
for maybe my whole life, i've struggled with feeling like something is missing, with always feeling unsatisfied. for the longest time, the only way i've dealt with this has been keeping myself moving - always trying for more, always hoping that one day i'll be able to claw my way out. if this is the only way i've been able to feel alive, no wonder taking a break feels like dying.
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