010 - creating (selfishly)
This is a song that we've been playing for about half this tour
And I think crowds are kinda iffy on it
Like sometimes people go off, sometimes people don't
It doesn't really matter, we don't really care
We play this song selfishly
'Cause the four of us believe that this is
Uh, probably, if we had to agree on one, it's our most
It's our favourite PUP song, that we've ever written
So, I hope you like it, if you don't, too fucking bad
This one's for us
i care a lot about this dumb little intro. it gives me so much second-hand happiness at the thought that someone’s made something they like this much. it makes me love this song so much more, knowing that they’re playing it out of their own love for it. it makes me so fucking envious at the feeling.
i wish i could create something that i loved selfishly. for nearly as long as i can remember, ive been an absolute fucking people pleaser. always keeping an ear to listen to the crowd, always keeping an unsure look for a second until i know, always looking back to make sure they’re still with me. i can never quite be sure if i can enjoy something i’ve made until i know someone else does too.
which is not to say at all that i don’t like the things that i create - i have absolutely done things that im proud of, both with and without other people’s approval. but it feels like there’s always this undercurrent, lurking at the back of my mind.
now, i did use the word nearly a few paragraphs ago. i remember quite distinctly, all those years ago, when i first figured out how to open garageband on my shitty ibook g4 and spent a few months making terrible songs that i loved. i remember first learning how to vaguely frame photos that i liked and taking and sending hundreds of photos to my friends that i thought were cool. it was a kind of freedom and ability to play that i crave so deeply now.
it’s easy for me to chalk this up to any number of things. naivety. inexperience leading to not knowing how to have standards. lack of self-reflection. arrogance. whatever it is, it drives me crazy to know that it’s something im entirely capable of doing, if only i could just get over myself.
i digress. self-hatred is rarely a useful means to this kind of end, and god knows how poorly it’s worked for me thus far.
im yet to find any great insight towards this. all of this to say, i wish i could create selfishly. i wish i could have something im straightforwardly proud of. i wish that i could play again, without having to care.