011 - creating (from nothing)
dear puppy,
this one might turn out to be a bit of a downer1, but fuck, it's been (checks notes) like a week and this site is dangerously close to dying a death, so i'll let myself indulge. sorry.
suffice to say i have not been doing well lately. various factors have left me temporarily with very little social contact, and with it, very little concern. i trust that this will heal, in time, as the shorter term factors come to a close and my body adjusts to the longer term ones, but in the meantime, this fucking sucks.
it's quite a unique feeling, to me. it isn't a sadness, it isn't quite apathy. it feels like a slight disconnect, as if any time anything that would cause me to feel an emotion happens, it hits a star wars-style energy shield that's currently surrounding me, and disperses harmlessly. i have long said that i don't mind being sad - sadness has depth to it, or at least, i can try and find meaning in my sadness. this kind of emptiness, on the other hand, i just despise. feeling is one of the most important things to me, it's something i try my hardest to seek out, and to feel like this feels like i'm being robbed of it. like i'm robbing myself of it.
recently(ish), i played a really fucking good video game2. i spent a while i think in a bit of a gutter, playing a lot of mmos and games that i mostly enjoyed socially3. things that i certainly had a lot of fun with, and had a lot of important moments in; but things that never surprised me. the game that i played was small and heartfelt and absolutely beautiful. it reminded me of why i wanted to create things.
as dangerous as i think it is sometimes, i find that feeling so special, so important. i think that for the things i make to mean something, they have to first mean something to me. it's easy for me to lose track, sometimes, of what that feels like. it's easy for me to get caught up in the process and in everything else and forge why i want to create.
but as much as i say all this, there's the other side of the coin. while i would be lying to say there aren't people that inspire me to write these posts, it doesn't feel to me like wanting to create is the driving force behind my writing here.
astute readers of my posts may have noticed a bit of a theme. it's something that i'm not really happy with, it's something that i've always told myself that i will do a better job of avoiding this time and never do.
it's never really felt like i write this because i want to. i write this because i am feeling quite strongly, and i feel like i need to, i need to get the feeling out, i need to put it into words and speak them so they become real.
and in the same way that i think inspiration to create is special, i have to feel that this feeling is special in the same way. i long for feeling, of course i can't be mad at creating from a place of feeling.
i don't really have a conclusion to write here, unfortunately. i wish i could unify these two thoughts, maddeningly close together in my head, but alas. i was never particularly good at dialectics.
~