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the flicker of cheap LED globes that you still aren’t quite sure is real. the hiss of the air conditioner, the hiss of server fans. the ringing, maybe tinnitus, maybe one of the devices, maybe in your head. scattered words of a conversation you don’t understand. your heartbeat, hard against your arm. distorted reflections off the black screen of your phone.
the slight ache in your chest. the persistent empty feeling.
you look at the clock and wonder if it’s acceptable to go to bed yet. you think about lying there, doe eyed, staring into the side of your pillow.
watch the minutes tick by. watch idly as your battery runs down, wondering when you’ll get the motivation to do something about it. feel the same thing over and over. desperately scan the noise for anything, any signal, any kind of thesis, any kind of meaning you can extract.
i have sometimes said and felt that i quite often end up in situations. whatever it is about me just seems to cause things that i am tangentially or directly involved in to happen at above the normal rate for people, each one adding to some table in the cosmic database of events under my name.
and of course, i don't think that's really true, at least not entirely. i think that i quite often find myself in situations. whatever traumatic moment or disorder or whatever it was has left me with a kind of borderline maladaptive vigilance. can't stop myself looking for any kind of threat, anything that might develop into a situation. can't let myself drop my guard, even for a moment.
and of course, i don't think that's really true, at least not entirely. i think that i quite often find myself unable to let go of the situations i find myself in. a breeze is not always a sign a storm is coming. not every situation i can see is my responsibility. and yet, i find myself almost compelled to keep them in my mind, well past the point of causing me grief over nothing.
in the end, i think it comes down to control. if i keep hold of the situation, then that makes it my fault, which means i can do something about it. better to be in a bad situation that you put yourself in than a better one that fate took you to.
you would like to write more, but the clock has ticked over to a morally acceptable bedtime, and you really should get up to get your charger. goodnight.