024 - recents
you were, for various reasons, in a setting in which some people were asking you a lot of questions about yourself. “do you think you’re a particularly [xxxxx] person?"
you don’t really know. you don’t know how other people are.
you've been writing more on paper, in a book you plan to never let another person see. when you first started writing posts for this site, the thought of an audience, even an imagined one, gave you a lot of your motivation to write. now, the thought often just fills you with a certain kind of terror. still though, you're writing this post.
someone quite dear to you wrote a wonderfully beautiful post, a vignette about something they see on their trip home from work. she mentioned it to you in person, and you gave an embarrassingly short reply, not able to put into words how it made you feel. the next morning, she took you on her route in, and pointed it out in person.
catching the bus back, you resolved to see it again, to try and let yourself sit in the feeling. you kept watch for it, kept your focus on the scenery.
you've always had a particularly narrow cone of focus. you spotted it just as it passed out of your vision, as you stared intently at the wrong part of the hills.
a friend asked you, mostly rhetorically, why you use dedicated cameras at all, instead of just using your phone. you opened your phone camera, to use as a prop while you gave your answer, and took a picture of them. it's one of your favourites you've taken recently.
you noticed something in the way you create art. you are terrified of the thought of trying to create something you don't understand. you are bored by the thought of trying to create something you do understand.
it feels like you're being pulled in opposite directions, grabbed by each limb until your body is torn apart.