025

19 Aug, 2025

when i write these posts, i almost never title them until the last minute. i often have a title in mind, or at least some words i want to pull themes from, but i don’t like writing the title out until its done. i want to keep not making it real for as long as possible. i also never number them until they’ve been posted and published - too many drafts i either half finished or thought better of publishing.

i started writing this post by opening a new file, titled as “025”

today, i am far from home, i am tired, and i think i came close to having an awful fucking day. woke up after a fitful sleep feeling particularly alone. had some thoughts, some conversations that left me feeling particularly bad. went for a walk. came back still feeling broken, lay down, and wrote a couple hundred words of more or less pure bile, directed mostly inwards.

and then i ran out of time, and we had to go out to meet with some people for lunch. so i put my writing down, went outside, and i. had a pretty good time being with people. ate some pretty good pizza. having a pretty meaningful conversation about some things id had sitting in my head for a while, then messaging a friend and having a wonderful and slightly healing conversation with her. listening to a slightly awkward but very pretty recording of one of my favourite songs.

and then i was back home¹, on my bed again, with my text file from earlier today open, and i found that i just didn’t really want to write it anymore.

i think its important to remember this. i’m sure that ill return to that place eventually. i’m sure that ill write a hundred more half finished, bile filled screeds. but sometimes, things are okay. sometimes things can be good, even if i don’t expect them to be.

sweet dreams. i’ll see you in the morning, i hope <3