034 - confessions of an
-unrepentant substance abuser
i fell asleep last night in a haze, dozing off clutching my sheets while my recently-ex girlfriend cooked dinner. i stirred briefly at 3am, ate a bowl of microwaved pasta, and stumbled back to sleep, alone for the first time in a while.
i woke this morning in a similar haze, but this time with a layer of anxiety settling over my thoughts like smoke. i took my meds, the lowest dose of an antidepressant, and took two of the pills that i hoped would soon grant me a reprieve from any higher brain function for an hour or two. i wandered downstairs, or- really i found myself downstairs, sitting outside, staring into the burning morning sky. i smoked a cigarette and for a brief second i felt like i could be at peace again.
and then i got up, as i always do, and went to work, as i always do, and it all came back.
as much as i hate it, as much as i would like to think of myself as not, i find myself so often falling into routine. hell, im writing this at 3am again, where the soft blanket of sleepiness keeps me from stumbling over my words. i think i do some of my best work in this state.
and that's always the trick, isn't it. the key isn't in "substance abuser" but rather, "unrepentant". i think of myself as someone that can dig themselves out of some pretty serious holes, God knows i have in the past, but. it's hard to see a problem to be solved here when i think i quite genuinely are just a more functional, a better person, like this, as much as i know this is probably classic fucking substance abuser rhetoric.
still, i'm quite aware that all good things must come to an end. im quite aware that especially this must come to an end eventually. i just hate to think of how.