045 - canine musings
did you know, most dogs actually have multiple faces? it's hard to see on most breeds, since they move so fast, but it's there, i promise. this dog's been awfully tired as of late, though, so you might be able to catch a glimpse or two.
to be held
bit passé, isn't it? trans girl feels strong identification with dog, desperately seeks kinship, feels touch starved, longs to be held, call now at the number below. it practically goes without saying.
me and my beloved girlfriend have developed a sort of bedtime process over the months. when we first get into bed, ill have her in my arms while we both read our bedtime stories, but when it's time to go sleepytime proper, we'll both rotate 180 degrees so she's holding me.
i've always been quite a gangly person, quite tall and thin, bony limbs, a seeming inability to lie properly still. at times like this, i find myself feeling very greyhound-like, a long sack of bones, little limbs hanging off, feeling the warmth, feeling the arms around me as my body tries to run away.
to be okay
it doesn't just work like that, you know. you know all too well that the goddamn body does in fact keep the goddamn score, literary controversies aside. you know and are quite a strong proponent of the idea that you cannot in no possibility just make yourself okay when you aren't, that you need to feel through your problems and experience them fully.
but still, wouldn't it be nice?
to be loved
feels bad, saying this one. feels ungrateful. it's not like you're lacking in being loved, you're luckier than you have any right to be in that regard, and you would honestly sooner die than make the people that love you feel that way.
so why then are you still writing this? do you want more? there's a question you like asking other people when they're in situations, that you hate asking yourself, "what's the endgame?". how does it all turn out in the end. you can never really quite bring yourself to answer it, you never want to.
to love
more than anything, you think, you long to feel things, to feel love, to give love. you feel as if your heart is full, like you have so much love to give. you wish you were better at it.
to be known
i think it's easy as a person like me to find yourself a little bit identityless. on purpose, but not intentionally, i think it just so happens that the things you do to stay alive sometimes necessitate it. there's the curse that applies to critics-turned-creatives, where the lingering ability to criticise kills any kind of self growth through experimentation. i fear that i'm vulnerable to this quite severely.
to be satisfied
it always seems to come back to this, doesn't it?